Mal was zum Schmunzeln fuer alle die english koennen

You may be a Redneck when ...
- You take your Dog for a walk and you both use the same Tree .
-Your Boat has not left the Driveway in 15 Years .
-You offer to give someone the Shirt off your back and they don't want it .
-Your Wife has "Ammo" on her Christmas list .
-You can go to the Stock Car Races and don't need a Program .
-Your House doesn't have Curtains , but Your Truck does .
-You consider Your License Plate personalized because Your Father
made it .
-You have a complete Set of Salad Bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the Side .
-You think Fast Food is hitting a Deer at 100Km/h .

greetings
Midnightflyer

The next Joke :
Three Woman ; one Engaged , one Married and one a Mistress ; are chatting about
their Relationships and decided to amaze their Men . That Night all three will wear
black Leather Bras , Stiletto Heels and a Mask over their Eyes . After a few Days ,
they meet up for Lunch .

The engaged Woman : The other Night when my Boyfriend came over , he
found me with a black Leather Bodice , tall Stilettos and a Mask . He saw me and
said , " You are the Woman of my Life , I love you ." Then we made love all Night long

The Mistress : me too ! The other Night I met my Lover at his Office and I was
wearing the Leather Bodice , Heels , Mask over my Eyes and a Raincoat .
When I opened the Raincoat He didn't say a Word , but we had wild Sex all Night .

The married Woman : I send the Kid's to my Mother's House for the Night .
When my Husband came home I was wearing the Leather Bodice , black Stockings ,
Stilettos and a Mask over my Eyes .
As soon as He came in the Door and saw me He said , " Hey Batman what's for dinner ? "

greetings
Midnightflyer

redneck is ....
to have red tape on the brakelight

You might be a Redneck if:

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top

A Man goes into a Pet Store and ask the Clerk , " Do you have any Dogs that go
Cheap ? "
The Clerk says," No , We have Birds that go cheep , our Dogs go ....BARK "

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years..
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it
over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the
pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

A little Girl was sitting on her Daddy's Lap.
She gazed up at her Father and said : " Daddy , did anyone ever tell you that you're the most wonderful and smartest Man in the World ? "
Her Father , filled with Pride said : " Why no , Honey , they haven't . "
" Then ... where did you get the Idea ? " she asked .

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember , Amateurs build the Ark.
Professionals build the Titanic.

Two Men were speeding through North Dakota when they got pulled over by the Highway Patrol .
The Officer walks up and taps on the Window . The Driver rolled down the Window - and
* WHACK * the Cop smacks him in the back of his Head with the Hand .
" What the heck was that for " the Driver ask .
" You're in North Dakota " the Cop answered . " When we pull over in North Dakota ,
you better have your License ready by the Time we get to your Car . "
" Sorry Officer , " the Driver said , " I'm not from around here "
So,the Cop runs the Driver's License , write out the Speeding Ticket and returns back to the Car to give the Ticket to the Driver .
He then walks around to the Passenger side and taps on the Window , and
* WHACK * , the Cop smacks him on the Head .
" What'd you do that for ? " the Passenger demands .
" Just making your Wish come true " replied the Cop .
" Making WHAT Wish come true " the Passenger asked .
" Because I know your Type . " the Cop says , " .... two Miles down the Road , your,re
gonna turn to your Buddy and say , 'I wish that Jerk would've tried that Crap with me!"

A man died and was sent to hell. A few seconds after his arrival, the Devil appeared in a cloud of smoke and said “Why hello, welcome to Hell! You’re just in time for dinner, please follow me.”

The man followed the Devil rather nervously, wondering what was going to happen, and was surprized to find a table piled high with delicious food waiting for him. Assuming this was his last good meal before hell started, he dug in.

When he was finished the Devil said, “Now allow me to show you to your quarters.” The man sighed and reluctantly followed the Devil down a long hallway. He could hear terrible blood-curdling screams coming from behind a door at the end of the hall. “Well,” he thought, “this is it.”

But to his surprize the Devil turned left at the the door, and led him down another hallway and outside towards a magnificent beachhouse with a Porsche in front. When they got there the Devil handed the befuddeled man the keys to house and car, wished him a nice stay and turned to leave. The man couldn’t take it any longer. He said to the Devil “Excuse me, but I don’t understand. This is hell, and I’m being treated like a king! What was behind the door we went past on the way here? Is that what’s really in store for me?”

The Devil smiled and said, “Why no, the room we went by is reserved for the Catholics. They seem to want it that way.”

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."

Great Reasons for Allowing Drinking at Work

- It's an incentive to show up on Monday mornings .

- It leads to more honest communications .

- It reduces complaints about low pay .

- Employees tell management what they think ,not what management wants to hear.

- Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job , you don't care .

- It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work .

- Employees work later since there's n longer a need to go unwind at the Bar .

- Employees would no longer need Coffee to sober up .

Working Man Blues

My first job was working in an orange juice factory , but I got canned ..... couldn't concentrate .

After that I tried to be a tailor , but I just wasn't suited for it . Mainly because .... it was a so so job .

Next I tried working in a muffler factory , but that ......... was exhausting .

I wanted to be a barber , but ....... I just couldn't cut it .

I attempted to be a deli worker , but any way I sliced it , I ...... couldn't cut the mustard .

Next was a job in a shoe factory ; I tried but I ........ just didn't fit in .

So , I became a professional fisherman , but discovered that I ...... couldn't live on my net income .

The pool-maintenance job was ...... just to draining .

- and while I found being an electrician interesting , the work was always too shocking !

Hunters
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

The Boss
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't get any
respect .
The next day , he brought a small sign that read : " I'm the Boss !"
He then taped it to his office door .
Later that day when he returned from lunch , he found that someone hat taped a note
to the sign that said :
" Your wife called , she wants her sign back ! "

Things you shouldn't say or do while being stopped by an Officer:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
10. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with,
"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

the request

i the penis hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

i do physical labor. i work at great depths. i plunge head first into everything i do.i do not get weekends off or public holidays. i work in a damp enviroment. i don´t get paid overtime. i work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. i work in high temperatures. my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

dear penis:
after assessing your request,and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons.

you do not work 8 hours straight.
you fall asleep on the job after a brief work period.
you do not always follow the orders of the management team.
you do not stay in your allocated position,and often visit other areas.
you do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
you leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
you don´t always observe necessary safety regulations,such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
you are unable to work double shifts.
you sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day´s work.
and if that were not all,you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 supicious looking bags.
sincerely

the management.